Overload

Although I screwed up my first attempt, I was determined to make last night's cutie my one night stand -despite what my friend thought was the written law of one night stands. So when he called and asked to take me to dinner, I readily accepted and made sure to spray a little of Bath and Body Work's Juniper Breeze between my thighs.

When he showed up at my door it took every bit of me to maintain my composure. The club lights did no justice for his looks . He was beautiful.

The entire date went well, he was quite the gentleman but I had to continuously remind myself that I was only there for one purpose; the risk. At the end of the date, I hinted at going home with him which was an epic fail.

I've never seen a barracks before-show me your room.

Maybe tomorrow, its getting late and I didn't clean before I left.

This man absolutely refused to take the bait and my pride wouldn't allow me to push. By our third date, I had resolved myself into finding a new one night stand candidate. That night, he suggested we take a walk. I secretly rolled my eyes at his casual conversation. Like a pouting child, I gave him one word answers. When he grabbed my hand and kissed it, I quickly put it back in my pocket. I was frustrated and felt like a failure.  

Are you okay? He stood in front of me looking concerned.

 Yes, I'm just tired.

Ok, let's get you home.

On our way back to my place he took a detour.

C'mon I wanna show you my room.

He flashed that same familiar smile and jumped out of the car. I walked in behind him.

There was nothing special about his room and I don't recall much more than it being dark and small. Perhaps that's because as soon as he closed the door he grabbed me and I entered into a full romance novel. I was now playing the role of the shy, conservative girl and he was the seducing bad boy. I was standing in the center of his room when he approached me from behind and ran his hands down the small of my back, while pushing my head forward and kissing the nape of my neck.  At first the small occasional bites were questionable but my body signaled its acceptance and quickly became warm. I could feel the temperature rise in my cheeks and small beads of sweat congregated under my bra strap. I stood still. This is no longer a one night stand. Wait stop yourself before its too late.

My mind was conflicted by the strong desire to feel his touch and the bitter taste of adding another number to my sexual encounters.

He pressed on by placing his body up against mine and strategically sliding his leg between my thighs which caused my knees to buckle. I fell back into his chest and he slowly swayed back and forth with me in his arms. Damnit this is not a one night stand. I wanted to run away and yet at the same time I longed to stay. He grabbed my chin and tilted my face away from his, I felt his lips graze my jawline like he was sampling different flavors of ice cream.  He paused to inhale my smell.  My mind and body froze but I felt every bit of sensation he offered. We didn't say a word but our  heartbeats held their own conversation; mine pounding in my chest and his pounding in his pants.  What will this mean? I'm in Hawaii. Stop. Thinking.

He came around and stood in front of me grabbing each hand inside of his then placing them around his neck. I never really appreciated my collar bone until his finger gently traced over it. My arms went limp as he picked me up and began to carry me to his bed. I was weak and lost all resistant, control, care or concern; I wanted him as bad as he wanted me.

His touch, kisses, slow caress and whispers in my ear seem to put me into some time of trance because when I woke up I was lost. It was pitch dark and I had no idea where I was until I felt his hand on my thigh.  I had no intentions of ever seeing him again. That's when the guilt set in.

I think its time I go home.

You should stay.

No... I should go.

Hawaiin nights

I  spotted my subject from across the room bobbing his head to the beat. He was extremely handsome, light skinned with curly locks of hair. His tan colored shirt laid loosely across his muscular chest--his legs sprawled out revealing his high end shoes. He was the only man in the club wearing "I think I'm cool" sunglasses which made me instantly hate him  but at the same time I was intrigued by his sexiness.  I knew his type: the kind of man who smelled delicious, stood way too close to you and ran his fingers down the small of your back without even knowing you. He definitely fit the mold of the player type. Yup he was the one night stand type. I ordered a drink to help build my confidence and come up with a plan .

The smile he continuously flashed while talking to his friends was boyishly gentle.  Beside the occasional bobbing of his head and toe tap to the music, he hadn't moved all night so I didn't expect our paths to cross until I walked up to him. At the rate I was moving, I had plenty of time to practice my approach. What do I say? Do you want to have sex tonight and never call each other again? Do you wanna have a one nighter? Hey you...take risks with me. I sounded like an idiot in my own mind and desperately needed another drink.

At the bar, I grabbed a seat and scanned the bottles adorning the shelf. The bottle shaped like a huge penis caught my eye. Perhaps a Tequila shot? No that's too strong, I won't last the night. I better stick to wine.

Need some help?

I felt his hands on the center of my back before I heard his question. I turned and my eyes met the center of his chest. Slowly and cautiously, I scanned the rest of his body until my eyes met his: thick legs ✔, six pack ✔, muscular chest ✔, smelled good ✔, sexy lips ✔, dimples ✔, tiny freckles highlighting his beautiful face.... cheeeeck! Wow. He was so amazing and much better looking close up.

When his eyes met mine I immediately recognized him as my soon-to-be one night stand from across the room. However, the way he stared at me made me uncomfortable. he looked at my lips as if he wanted to kiss them. I wasn't prepared to ask this guy for sex, I turn back towards the bar. Nope, definitely need a drink first!!!

Did you need me to give you some suggestions?

Actually no but thanks

 Like a dummy, I responded without thinking I wanted him to go away...he made me nervous. He smells so good.

I could suggest something good. You seem like a Martini type of girl-am I right?

He wasn't going away and leaned over the bar towards me.

I can't have a serious conversation with you in those sunglasses,  I whispered under my breath.

I was pretending to be annoyed but he responded by flashing a smile and pulled off the dark shades. Damn. I regretted having to see his chestnut brown eyes. I felt like I was falling for him right then and there.

Is that better? Bartender get her an Apple Martini and me a scotch. Tell me, what brings you to Hawaii?

Between his forwardness, intoxicating smell and sweet smile, I was putty in his hands. I had completely forgotten my main agenda. I learned his name was Malik . He told me about life as a naval man and asked me several questions about law school. I tried to stay focus on our conversation but after a few drinks I felt my courage creep up from behind.

So what are you doing after this?  I spit it out as if I'd been holding rat poison in my mouth

I'm not sure.  He bit his lower lip.

I don't have any plans. I guess I'm just gonna go back to my apartment?

Do you need a ride?

No I have a ride.

Ok well can I have your number, I'd like to see you again.

I struggled to hide my smile while writing my number on the cocktail napkin. Afterwards, I stood up and slowly walked away hoping he was catching a glance at my booty as I walked back to my table. I was so excited to share my ballsy encounter with my friend but was quickly depleted after being reminded that a one night stand never includes exchanging numbers or planning future dates.

Raw

I don't know much time passed as I layed there trying to process what had just happened. How could he do this to me? The door is unlocked!!! I jumped up and locked all three locks then headed back to the same bathroom which once held me captive. I turned the knob on the shower as hot as it could go and slid inside. The water felt like needles piercing into my back but I didnt care, I just wanted the residue of his body off mine. Emotionally,  I was completely numb.  There was no anger, no sadness or not a single tear; I was lost and confused. How do I keep coming back to this place of darkness and despair?  What was life trying to tell me? Teach me? Was love a place that I didn't not belong? 

Thoughts trampled through my mind like consumers outside the Walmart entry door on Black Friday. I eased out of the shower into the fog and studied myself in the steamed mirror. Why was love torturing me? I expected to look different- I felt so different...so ugly and raw.   I grabbed my towel and wrapped it tightly around my body in effort to feel protected. In my bedroom I could see images of Jeran laying in my bed. Instead of laying on it, I  grabbed my pillow, crawled to the floor and curled myself in ball.  

I bet you're wondering if I called the police on Jeran.  I didn't. I didn't even tell my friends. I didn't want to explain my stupidity for dealing with him in the first place.  And although my heart told me he deserved every bit of a jail cell beating, I knew that my freedom wouldn't come from inside those walls. Considering the fact that I'd regularly had consensual sex with him, it didn't behoove me to go through the drawn out process of a criminal case. I didn't want to expose myself, I didn't want to fight and I definitely didn't want to see his face again. I surrendered to the fact that I could be whole again and moving forward was the best way to start that process. Forward! Keep pushing forward! But mostly I felt comfort in knowing karma was a crazier bitch than I was and she hated rapist.

Of course he attempted to come back several times. First he started by ringing my phone until I unplugged it. When that didnt work, he popped up to see if he could get me to answer the door. I started hiding my car so that he would never knew if I was home. It worked because after a few moments he would leave. Nearly a month after his failed attempts I saw him lurking in the shadows outside of my job and later saw his car parked outside my school while he roamed throughout the parking lot. He stalked me for about five months before he finally disappeared and I found a full night's sleep.

That summer, my best friend and I decided to take  summer courses at the University of Hawaii. It was a brilliant way to take a vacation while earning credits towards my law degree. Everything about Hawaii was nice: the weather, the food and the beaches. Although,we partied more than we studied, we still managed to squeeze in some time to go to class. We spent most of our evenings at Magoos; a corner bar known for its dollar pizza slices, Corona beers and Margaritas -a true law students dream. Being there always resulted in two things: 1. serious conversations  2. slow stumbling walks home.

One evening, we were doing our typical thing at Magoos and nearing close to our journey home. My eyelids were heavy from the watermelon flavored margaritas yet I ordered another one. That's when the conversation started to get heavy.

"You've manage to live a pretty safe life. I mean you've never even smoked a cigarette. I admire you for that."

 For some reason I took that statement as an insult. To me it meant I was immature, inexperience, or boring- anything but the fun type.

"Ive done things." I snapped back. "Focus on you."

"Like what?  Don't get defensive... being safe isn't a bad thing."

 Either I was truly boring or the Margarita was slowing down my response time because I couldn't think of one single exciting, risky, edgy thing that I've done. In all actuality, the closest I'd come to taking risks was imagining myself doing risky things; like having a one night heated encounter with a stranger.

"Have you ever had a one night stand?"

The liquor was revealing itself through my stupid questions. 

"Who hasn't? ...you haven't?!!"

I felt myself shrinking. I sat silently contemplating ordering another margarita. No wonder I was on the losing team of love, I was a dud-there was no excitement or mystery in dating me.

"Its okay...it really isn't worth it. You wake up feeling bad the next morning and laying next to a complete stranger. That's one thing you don't need to experience."

I sat up in the chair and took a long sip from my Margarita. What better time to have a one night stand than in Hawaii surrounded by gorgeous navy men. My mind was made up. "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna try something different...

I'm gonna have a one night stand...this weekend."

Mr. Telephone Man

I learned he really was crazy and not the type to entertain at all. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way. We were sitting in my apartment watching a movie when my phone rang. To my demise, I decided to let the answering machine pick up. When Jeran heard a males voice echoing from the back room he jumped up in order to catch the caller before the message ended. I knew the voice to be my study partner from law school and ran behind him in order to avoid the embarassment.

Don't touch my phone, that's just my friend from school.

Prove it, let me talk to him.

No. You're being ridiculous

 We played tug of war over the phone for a moment until I snatched the plug from the wall and it broke. He stared at me like we wanted to kill me. He was panting and sweating like a mad man. It was at this moment that I realized I was in danger with no way out. He grabbed me by my arms and dragged me into the kitchen then slammed my body against the refrigerator.  Chills covered my body.

Call him back. He growled.  

You're hurting me. Let me go. I refuse to let him see me cry.

Call him back now!  

He tightened his grip around my arms then pulled both of my arms together into one of his hands while grabbing the cordless phone with the other.  

Call him now.  He shoved the phone into my chest.

Ok, let me go and I will.

As soon as he loosened his grip I grabbed the phone and ran into the bathroom. 

Im calling the police you better leave.

 I yelled from behind the locked door. I heard him walk passed the bathroom and began to laugh.

 Go ahead and when they leave Im still gonna be here.

I felt like a prisoner in my own home. If I called the police it was certain he'd go to jail but if I left the safety of my bathroom he was gonna hurt me. The silence behind the door peaked my interest. I looked under the door and saw the lights in the apartment go off. I felt like I was suffocating and decided to open the door but was quickly cautioned by a gentle  voice. It was a soft voice, almost inaudible yet loud enough to make me look back as if someone was standing behind me.  Am I becoming schizophrenic? I immediately recalled the novel The Quiet Room where a girl named Lori Schiller had a perfect life until attending college when she was confronted with voices. She was later diagnosed with schizophrenia but only after almost burning down her entire dormitory

Within the years to come,  I continued to hear that same soft voice at many life junctions but finally came to terms that I was not schizophrenic instead I was being favored and protected by a higher presence.

I listened to the voice and dialed 911. The operator keep me on the phone until the police arrived. 

Ok go to the door and let the officers in-they are standing right outside

My hands shook as I slowly opened the door. I peaked out before stepping into the darkness. When my eyes fully adjusted, I could see him sitting on the couch- with his feet propped up on the coffee table- watching television. As I got closer, he stretched his arms behind his head as if he didn't have a care in the world.

The cops are here, you need to get up. 

Without even looking up at me he replied, 

  This is my house, Im not going anywhere.

What! I hurried to the door

 When I opened the door there stood two uniformed officers; I almost hugged them. 

Whats the problem ma'am?
 I have a visitor who won't leave.

I peered over my shoulder waiting for Jeran to say something. He was still in the same position and acted as if he wasn't the subject of interest.

Did he hit you?
 No... well not actually.  He grabbed me... pretty forcefully... I nervously looked back  at Jeran again- but it didn't hurt- I lied. 
 Are you sure? The tall one wasn't convinced.  

I nodded and allowed the officers into the apartment. They walked over to Jeran.  He didn't move.

C'mon buddy, the show is over.  She wants you gone so let's go. 

 Jeran continued to watch the images across the screen as if he was in the room alone. He was unbothered.

Listen, you can either leave voluntarily on your own and go home or we will take you out of here but you won't be going home.

Jeran slowly took his feet off the table, stood up, and walked out. The police officers followed him out and reminded me to call them if he came back.

He called me as soon as the police drove away but I didn't answer. He continued to call me throughout the night but I refused to even recognize his existence.  The next day after getting home from class I spotted him in the parking lot as I was walking to my door.

I don't have time for this.  I walked right past him.

 Please just talk to me for a minute. I promise to not keep you long. I promise.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes.

 I wont bother you anymore, just give me 10 minutes of your time, I need to tell you something.

I should have listened to the soft voice telling me to not allow him back in my house but I didn't. I reluctantly opened the door and allowed him to come inside. We took a seat on the same couch which he refused to leave 24 hours earlier. Except this time there was no darkness, no TV images and my fear had transformed into anger.

I shouldn't have acted like that. I just got really jealous and over reacted. I just wish you would have done the right thing and listened to me. All of this could have been avoided, if you had just listened. I mean...I'm your man, he slid closer to me- you're suppose to respect what I say.

I couldn't believe he was blaming me!! He was not only crazy but a sexist pig. I considered arguing with him but realized I didn't care enough.

Its time for you to go, I need to study.

I pulled my feet up on the couch and squeezed myself into a little ball.

You're not gonna apologize? An evil smile spread across his face.

I stared at him, not knowing if he was serious or waiting for me to laugh. I wanted to punch him in his face like I'd done Lee's Blasian beauty. Instead I just shook my head no.

Well at least give me. He moved in closer attempting to kiss me.

No- stop. You're being a jerk- get out!  I snapped my head back.

C'mon, I know you missed me.

He gently grabbed my face with both his index and thumb fingers then quickly pulled my lips towards him. I was not gonna play his games and showed him I was serious by curling up my lips and exposing my teeth like a Rottweiler ready to attack. I was gonna bite his lips off!

Be nice. Now if you won't give me a kiss, I'm gonna take it.

He pressed his body close up to mine. I shook my head back and forth in order to avoid his kiss. The more I rejected him the closer he got to me. I tried to bury my face into my knees but his grip tightened. We struggled for a few moments before I realized that in my effort to get away from him, I had scooted myself into a vulnerable position. I was now on my back laying flat against the couch and his entire body was covering mine.

Get off of me or else I'm calling the police again.

When I heard his response, I knew what was coming; I just didn't know how to avoid it.

You know you want it.

As if he had done it before, he quickly pulled both of my wrists into his left hand and stretched my arms above my head. I was wearing my favorite Express Boot cut jeans which he wasted no time trying to unfasten. He yanked the button closure apart and ripped the zipper exposing my panties causing a whelp to instantly form around my waist. There was no romance to his touch, he snatched my pants partially down to my knees then released my hands while he exposed his penis. I quickly tried to sit up but he'd grabbed my legs forcing me back into the couch cushions.

No, let me go. Stop it. I don't want you touching me.

My body was now finagled  into a V-shaped position with him holding both my legs and arms together above my head. He was breathing hard and I could feel his heart beat pounding against the back on my right leg.

Please don't do this...let's just talk. I'm sor-

He did it. He forced his penis inside of me and as if it were a race, he began pumping as fast as he could. I looked up at his face and saw emptiness. He was staring into the distance as if he was in a zone. I was no longer a part of his fantasy. He was focused on reaching a certain destination and could no longer hear my cries.  Perspiration covered his face and I winced at the idea of a bead of sweat dropping into my mouth. I turned my head and stared at the blank TV screen as he finished his business. I had no fight left in me; he stole it.

When he finally stopped, he stood up, place his penis back where it belonged and walked out. He didn't say anything...he just walked out; leaving me there on the couch, with tear stained cheeks and my pants wrapped around my ankles.

Forever doesn't last too long.

I wasted my entire undergraduate years on him. I wanted to slap him, my impulses almost made me but the exasperating hurt inside of me was paralyzing. I looked him dead in the eyes as the tears slowly roll down the curves on my face. My chest tightened as if it were going to explode. Yet, my face was like a stone in a storm; strong but unbothered by the inclement weather pounding down on it. He opened his lips to provide an explanation but quickly gathered his silence. We stood in silence for what seemed like forever. I searched for questions to ask but I already knew all of the answers; there was nothing left...absolutely nothing left to say. It was painfully clear that it was finally over. I walked out the door leaving him in tow. I will never forget the look of shame on his face and I'm certain he hasn't forgotten the pain in mine.

I was shamed as well. I felt incredibly stupid for caring so much about someone who treated me so carelessly. Not only was I shame, I was angry. I put so much work into loving, supporting and encouraging him; all just for some future girls benefit. I immediately closed off my heart like a taped off crime scene. Because of Lee, I refused to allow love to confiscate my body again. It took several months before I could even function without longing for him. Every time I saw him on campus, it stung and left me basking in pain. I tried to avoid him but our friends were too closely knitted so we always ended up in the same social settings. The pain slowly subsided  but it took many years before I stopped thinking about the good times we shared; there were more good times than bad. I graduated that next year and still had a empty place in my heart from where he once resided.

A few weeks before I moved from campus he approached me. He congratulated me for being accepted into law school and wished me well. We talked about how far we'd both come. He wished me love again and offered his services in the event the next guy hurt me as he did. We hugged goodbye and as I turned to leave  he apologized for all of his stupidity. It was a sincere apology, no game or selfish gains. I forgave him; I had to. It was the only way to heal and I'd been harboring the pain long enough. He rubbed my cheek with his thumb like he use to do before our break up and for the first time since his father died,  he cried. We had something special but circumstances, immaturity and time simply were not on our side. Loving him gave me my first real lesson in love: timing is everything.

I occasionally still talk to Lee, it took him seven years before he fell in love again. He told me he wanted to make sure he never broke another girl's heart. He eventually married and made her a happy wife.

Although I had forgiven Lee,  I was very much guarded and trusted no one. I went out on casual dates but it seemed no one compared to him. So I committed myself to law school and gave up on the dating scene.  However, there is one guy worth mentioning mostly for its comedic value. His name was Jaren. He was quite an odd fellow but I admired his confidence so I went out of several dates with him.  He was socially awkward. At times he would just stare at me to a point of discomfort.

Is there something wrong? I smiled, trying not to seem annoyed.

Yes you're extremely beautiful... but don't let it go to your head.

It was these type of comments that never allowed me to take him seriously.  He was basically only around for my food and sexual appetites. The sex wasn't even amazing but just like the food,  it curved my appetite. However, he was quickly getting attached. One evening he popped up at my apartment while I was studying.

Um. I don't do pop ups...whats up?

I stood in the doorway making it obvious that he was not welcomed. 

I was on my way home and stopped by to bring you a gift.

He handed me a gift bag.

Well...in that case.  I opened the door so that he could come inside. I grabbed the bag and sat it on the table.

I wanted to get you something a little more comfortable for classes. You always get so dressed up just to go to class.

I opened the bag and poured it's contents unto the table. There laid a rainbow assortment of Hanes sweat pants and sweat shirts.

Are you kidding me? I don't dress like this

Well, I want my girl to dress like she's going to class not the club.

I pushed the clothes back in the bag and slid them back across the table. My ears began to burn as my temperature rose.

 You're there to learn not to socialize

 Who did this fool think he was?  Before I could stop myself, slick words slid out my mouth.

Listen... Because I'm only going to say this once. You don't get to dress me. You get to feed me and f@$! me. Be happy.

See...I told you my mouth was slick as a solid snow cap but my pride was much worse. I refuse to apologize even though I knew it was wrong.

Oh I see how it is.  He got up and walked out.
 As soon as the door shut I threw the  retirement gym suits on the floor behind him.  This guy was crazy, I swore to not see him again but after a week I began to feel bad so I called him. It was a decision which my body will never forget.

Detox

I played Toni Braxton's Just Be A Man About It for hours. The pain I felt was almost unbearable.  He was the hardest lesson I'd learn in life thus far. I cried so hard that my eyes were almost swollen shut. I had been betrayed, broken and belittled. I couldn't even lay in my bed because the mere thought of him laying in bed with another women made me nauseous. Not only were my eyes swollen, my hand, wrists and forearms were too.  I laid on one end of the couch staring at the dried up blood covering my hands while Roshawn laid on the opposite end responding to my every need. I hated him to the core yet loved him with every fiber of me. The sound of the t.v. competed against Toni's raspy voice but nothing drowned out my thoughts from the night before. It all happened so fast; the punch, the paddle and the poor neighbor. I never meant to be that girl but somehow he managed to awaken that part of me. We had been through so much that he became part of my survival. How did we lose the good times that we once held so intimately? The darkest part of me wished bad karma  but it was only because there was still a huge part of me that wanted him back. I wanted to hate him, I wanted the love to vanish like a vapor but it didn't; I still wanted him.  I just needed him to say the right words so that I could provide my mind the right explanation to justify the thoughts in my heart. Part of me needed him to find fault on my part so that I could share the blame. Ironically that meant I still had control and could fix us. It was obvious that I needed and loved him to a detriment.  I told myself that I could never see him again. He was my drug and it was time to detox.

I laid with my soul fully exposed for nearly a week. My closest friends rotates in shifts offering their words of encouragement  and comfort. Slowly I began to realize that there was life outside of Lee. That was until he called.

I knew it was a bad idea to take his call, -there was nothing left to be said- but I was hoping for anything that would give me a small piece of peace. I didn't know what I was looking for but I agreed to let him pick me up.   I felt and looked like a mess yet I refused to let him see me disturbed by his foolishness. So I jumped in the shower and walked out looking like a supermodel by the time he arrived. I wanted him to deeply regret his decision.

He must have been thinking the same thing because when he arrived he looked absolutely drop dead gorgeous minus the battle wounds going down the side of his face. Damn.  We rode to his house in complete silence beside his small compliment.

"You look nice."

A single tear escaped my eye and ran down the right side of my face. I didn't respond, I was afraid if I parted my lips a waterfall would commence.  Besides, if he found me so attractive then why did he cheat on me?

When we got to his apartment, it look nothing like I'd left it. It was quite bare-I imagine he'd thrown away all of the things I damaged. I sat on the edge of his bed and listened as he spoke. None of his words provided an explanation of why the Blasian beauty was sprawled across his couch.

 He just kept repeating how much he loved me and was willing to do whatever it took to work things out. I can't lie, I was moved by him telling me he wanted me back. I wanted things to work out too but just didn't want to be his fool. Thoughts tussled back and forth in my mind as he was talking- then almost like a divine intervention-something happened. He stopped mid-sentence and his eyes grew wide as he peered over my shoulder. I watched him try to conceal his nervousness and regain his composure.

What is it?
He was making me nervous. Initially I thought he saw a big hairy spider ready to pounce on my head.

"Nothing. I just realized I forgot to take out the trash."

"Huh?"

That sounds absolutely ridiculous. My internal lie detector flicked on. He rushed over towards me and grabbed his fraternity decorative trash can from the side of his bed then made a slow jog towards the kitchen. Suspecting something was up, I followed him.

"I'll be right back, you can have a seat...I just wanna dump this before I forget," he was in such a rush that he didn't realize I was one step behind him. 

I knew he was hiding something, I just didn't know what. So when he turned his back prohibiting me from seeing what was inside of the trash I simply went around the kitchen and came towards him feverishly shaking the can. When he looked up, I was looking down at everything he'd just dumped into the trash; a single piece of Kleenex and a condom full of fresh semen. 

Bastard.

Hot sauce

When I first came around the corner I could barely see through the glare from the light shining off the TV. But she was so gorgeous that even Stevie Wonder could see her beauty. She laid on the couch underneath the same blanket that once held me. I felt my sadness grow as I got closer to her.  I'd never seen her before. Her Blasian skin was so smooth it reminded me of an Oil of Olay commercial. Her dark hair was as shiny as a black diamond and swept down her shoulders unto the couch. I really wanted to just walk away; I didn't want to lose my pride nor show my pain especially when faced with such beauty and perfection. But when she spoke name my heart went up in flames. Although I didn't know her, I knew she definitely knew me. The rage inside of me grew from the sound of her sultry voice and before she could finish her statement I hit her. It wasn't a normal girly hit; there was no hair pulling or scratching. This was a mortal combat type of blow; a Holyfield one hitter quitter. I mustered up every ounce of frustration, anger, disappointment and grief that I'd ever felt in my entire life and put it behind one punch.  I wanted her to feel the pain running through my veins, I wanted to destroy her beauty.

That one punch only made me more angry. I went in for a second blow but was swept up from behind by Lee. He started dragging me back towards the front door.  I stiffened my entire body and fell into a dead weight. When he realized that he wasn't able get me down the hallway, he pinned me against the wall and gave Kimora Simmons a chance to run. How long has this been going on? How could he do this to me...to us.  My eyes viciously scanned the room searching for where she was went.

"Calm down," His voice was stern but calm.

 He moved in closer and tried to look me in the eyes. I didn't want to look at him, he disgusted me so instead I stared at the ceiling. Caught in my line of sight was his wooden fraternity paddle hanging above my head. It reminded me of how long I'd been faithful to him...how long I'd been patient. I struggled to get away from him. He tightened his grip around my entire body and tried to pull me away from the wall towards the door. 

"You need to leave."

Every word he said incited me and heated the inside of my body. Asshole. My love for him was lost in that moment. I slid my arm away from his grip then dug my nails deep into his face, dragging them downward like his side chick did when she keyed my car.   I wanted to destroy him. He grabbed his face, and I grabbed his paddle. I swung it as hard as I could and narrowly missed his head. While he regained his composure I walked around as if I owned the place. Like an 1800's monochrome silent film, the image of me flickered across the dimly lit walls as I searched the room.

"Where are you? You wanna talk now...come on out." I knew she hadn't left the apartment but somehow she had disappeared. 

Out of the corner of my eye I saw his shadow rushing back towards me.

"Its over," He said. "Get out before I call the police."  

 I stood there staring at him like Carrie on her prom night.

So many thoughts were running through my head that none of them made any sense.  I  began to replay all of the years of drama that led up to this moment.  All of the games...all of the women... all of the lies...all of the sleepless nights..all of the times he made me feel like I was crazy. And now he wanted ME to leave.

"I'm serious, get out! I'm done."

His words pulled me away from my thoughts and immediately turned on my psycho switch. Ladies, let's be honest, we all have the capability of going from a pretty little kitty to a raging Siberian tiger in a manner of moments. However, there are typically only two things which initiate these animalistic behaviors; matters of the heart i.e. our children or our men. If you've never went completely crazy over a man, you haven't quite lived. It takes a certain level of vulnerability to love and trust a man on such a level.

Men, I must pause in order to give you a good word of advice. If you ever break your lady's heart and want to break it off-first play it cool. Whatever you do,  do not break up with her until you are in a safe place. Only then should you tell her it's over. Afterwards make sure to lock the doors and disconnect your phone for at least three days. From that point forward proceed with caution, who knows what she will do next.

That night I lost myself somewhere between the love and the lies and became a Siberian tiger ready to kill.  I replied to him in a whisper.

"I'll leave when I'm ready and I'm not ready. So call the police." 

 He stood there waiting to see if I was serious which I confirmed by my actions. Immediately, I began swinging the paddle at every object I could find.

Initially, I tried to hit him but instead put a hole in the wall where he was standing. After that I became so determined to hurt him that I swung and shattered every mirror in sight. Every time he came close I hit him, busted  another wall,  broke a glass or destroyed an object. For over forty-five minutes me and my psychotic animalistic mentality destroyed his entire place. However, after a while I got tired and dropped the paddle which he saw as a sign of surrender. He reached in to grab it and without hesitation, I hit him.

 Who was I?  I didn't even recognize myself. Something had broken inside of me. It wasn't until my friends from the party came looking for me that the saga ended. When they arrived I was still in my psychotic state and eventually had  to be carried out; ironically, it was across the back of Mr. Thursday's brother. Just great.

My anger didn't subside once outside but simply transferred to my next victim: the neighbor. Awakened by all of the commotion, he opened his door as I was being carried out. When he saw me flailing my arms and yelling obscenities at Lee he took the opportunity to insert himself into the situation by loudly yelling

"Shut the hell up!

I'm sure he was tired and possibly had to be at work in the morning but in the midst of my psychotic episode, his frustration work to his demise. Without thinking I swung and punched him in the face just like I'd done Lee's beauty. 

"Now you're going to jail," he turned around and slammed the door.

Dying to love

"HELLO!!!" 

He said again. His voice immediately made me so nervous I couldn't even gather the correct words to say and suddenly wished I had been better prepared for our conversation.

"Hi."

I tried to sound as if nothing ever happened while holding back the quiver in my voice

"What's up?"  He sounded cold and irritated.

I didn't get an opportunity to say much because before I knew it he unexpectedly unleashed a series of rude comments as if I was the town whore.

"Shouldnt you be calling one of your many men. I dont even know how you found time to call me with all that you have going on in that house.  Its obvious that you've been busy."

I almost fell out of my seat. He was acting like I was running a brothel.

I almost hung up on him for being such a jerk. Instead I exposed my soul. I told him how I felt from the very first moment I handed him a towel at the gym. I explained to him the situation with Carlton and admitted my fear of being hurt again. I fought back tears because I really wanted to be strong but the more I spoke my truth the more I realized how much it hurt. I needed to be loved, its absence had created a hole inside of me.  I started sobbing. He listened quietly without responding. When he finally spoke, his voice held tenderness. He asked me not to cry and explained his reasons for delaying our exclusivity. Although embarrassed, he admitted having had only one girlfriend prior to us meeting and not knowing the rules of dating. My heart grew fonder of him when he mentioned being raised by his father because his mother had left them.  The more we talked, the more I realized we were meant for each other. I agreed to drop my guards and he agreed to never hurt me.

That phone call led to our immediate exclusively and spending many days together. He was quite the gentleman and brought so much joy into my life. The way he looked at me, deep in the eyes, when we spoke made me feel special but always caused me to look away. I found myself constantly re-adjusting my clothes, checking my hair and making sure my sentences were grammatically correct. Although, his confidence lacked arrogance, it caused me to question mine. I wanted to be perfect for him.

Our relationship was going great for several months before it was tested.  First, it was my grandfather;  he died unexpectedly from a heart attack which sent me into a recluse. I disconnected from everyone including Lee. When I finally came back to shore, he was there waiting with open arms. Unfortunately soon after,  his father unexpectedly drowned sending him into a downward spiral.  It is no secret that death has a way of highlighting what's truly important in life. With so much loss we became each others everything. We each knew the right words to say, when to say them and when silence was the best thing to be had. We understood each other on a level that only tragedy could explain. Buried within these moments of pain, lost and denial I found what would link me to him forever; I found true love.

Later, we both found interested in the universities most popular Greek organizations and decided to pledge. Soon after our initiations we became one of the most popular couples on campus.  Becoming a member of a fraternity or sorority has a way of changing even a freckled- face, bi -focal wearing nerd to Kevin Costner from the Bodyguard over night.

It is at this point in the story where the side chick becomes relevant.  Side chick: /sīd CHik/ A girl who makes it her business to pursue and have sex with men who have girlfriends, boos,  love commitments, fiances or wives. Ladies, have you ever noticed how no one wants your man until you want him?  He could be the ugliest, laziest and most undesirable man alive yet there is always a side chick lying in wait; willing and ready to pick up the tab for any balances the main girl may leave. As soon as Lee became popular, the side chicks came out in full force. Yes, I said side chicks-as in more than one; and they were bold.

It didn't start out that way, at first it was a casual smile or quick wink. But when Lee didn't reciprocate any interest they upped their antics to late night phone calls, leaving notes on his windshield or even groping on him when I was looking the other way.  After a few incidents, my trust in him began to wane. I watched him change right before my eyes and felt the distance grow between us. It didn't help that he began to have female "friends" that I'd never heard of within the entire two years of our relationship.  There was excuse for every bit of drama that occurred and our conversation always ended with him telling me I was over reacting.  I tried to be understanding and patient but one day while leaving class I noticed one of the side chicks had keyed the words "Bitch" on the hood of my car. I hit roof.

"Are you cheating on me?"

My face was stern and ready for any response but my heart was really begging for him to say no.

"Why are you asking me this? What's the issue now?"

"Answer my question."

I looked him directly in the eyes to which he quickly looked away. My internal lie detector immediately came on. My heart already knew the answer but I was hoping it was wrong.

"No but you can believe whatever you want."

His response did two things: 1. Made me want to cut him 2. Made me second guess what my heart clearly understood. Regardless, it was obviously that night we needed some space so we decided to take it.  I honestly didn't know what to believe but after he left I felt a small sense of relief. The next day I called my girls and planned a night out. Having girlfriends during a crisis is comparable to finding a band-aid in the bottom of your purse when you have a burning blister from wearing the hottest pair of Jessica Simpson's heels: Aaaah relief. I needed a night where I could find some relief, clear my mind and put the drama aside. The party we went to was across the street from Lee's apartment but I had no intentions of seeing him. I was gonna enjoy my break. However, as the night drew near I began to miss him and called him. When he answered the phone my suspicions peaked, simply from the tone in his voice. Something is up.

"I'm gonna come over so I can see you."

"No, I'm tired, just swing by tomorrow."

I immediately hung up the phone and ran over to his apartment. This could be bad. For months I'd only had my suspicions with no evidence but if he had someone in his house I'd finally feel justified in my assumptions. If he was home alone, I knew our relationship was definitely over because he was gonna dump me. The stakes were high and either option meant I lost. I knocked lightly on his door. When he didn't answer I knocked a little harder. I heard him quietly approach the door and could feel his presence standing on the other side. He didn't say anything until I spoke up.

"If you don't open this door. I'm going to start screaming and wake up the entire neighborhood"

"I told you to come back tomorrow. We will talk tomorrow."-his voice was shaky.

 Someone's in there! The rage in me grew at such a fast pace before I knew it I had kicked in the door and was halfway down the hall leading to his living room. I heard his voice yelling behind me and his feet racing to catch me but I was moving like a cheetah. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. The entire house was dark but the living room was dimly lit by the t.v. My eyes zoomed into the darkness as I ran faster.  I turned the corner and was in complete utter shock.

Foolish heart

I held the phone in my hand for a few moments before placing it back on the receiver. My soul felt empty and confused.  Part of me wanted to laugh at my bad luck but the other half of me wanted to cry. I'd simply only created a mess of my circumstances trying to beat love at its own game. Lee clearly wasn't going to make me his girlfriend despite the fact that I'd already given him a mortgage to my heart without any type of down payment. So what now? Should I call him? Perhaps its safer to just put my thoughts down in a letter? No that's too deep! Besides I'd been waiting for him for almost a year, this was his fault. He had plenty of time to make me his. The thoughts in my mind were competing like Serena and Venus in a tennis match until I eventually slipped off into a Boone's Farm induced slumber.

When my alarm went off the next morning I had almost forgotten the incident with Lee. I stumbled into the bathroom to get ready for class and was in mid morning-pee stream when it hit me! Damn! My troubles hadn't disappeared within the night. What am I gonna do?   I desperately needed to talk to him without actually making it obvious that I wanted to talk to him. I learned at a early age that it was a females job to make matters involving the heart much more complicated that necessary. So instead of grabbing the phone and calling him, I reached into my closet and pulled out my cutest casual outfit. It was time to plan an accidental 'bump-in' to him while on campus. Once he saw how fly I looked, he'd have no choice but to talk to me.

Unfortunately, I didn't see Lee on campus so I kept my 'bump-in' plan intact for the following day and headed home.  Meanwhile, my Thursday beau called and asked to come over.  When I opened the door I was greeted by his tall dark stature holding a long stemmed rose. A smile ran over my face immediately. Outside of my prom corsage and the colorful carnations handed out as Valentine's grams in high school,  I'd never been given flowers from any guy.  His smile arrested my attention as I stared at his large lips which held in pearly white teeth; I deeply desired to kiss him just to verify my suspicious of their softness. While handing me the rose, he grabbed me into his arms and pulled me close. My head hit the hardness of his chest sending me into thoughts of his naked body pressed against mine.

"I wanna ask you something."

 His face turned serious which pulled me back into reality.

  "I want you to be my girlfriend. I think you are special and love the way I feel when I'm around you. I know that I want you and I can tell that you want me too...sooo lets make it official."

He leaned in to kiss me but I quickly pulled away.

Awww hell! Wait. One. Minute...how ironic was this? Was I being set up? Did he know Lee? I started to get nervous until I looked into his eyes and realized he was serious.  I really liked Mr Thursday; he was sexy, he was fun and he even had a way of sending a tingling sensation up my legs without saying a word but- he wasn't Lee and I couldn't pretend he was.  Think quick.  I began to fidget within the silence.  But my guardian angel was watching my plight and helped me along the way. Out of nowhere, I instantly recalled when his brother gave us specific instructions to NOT toy with the idea of dating after introducing us to each other.  I didn't want to hurt Mr. Thursday so I blamed it on his brother and reminded him of what was previously said to both of us. I explained to him that I could never risk losing my friendship and wouldn't be his girlfriend. First he was understanding and insisted on talking to his brother so that everything would be okay. When I refused his efforts he got sad which quickly changed to anger then to arrogance. I watched him go through a range of emotions like a chameleon crossing a rainbow. After a few moments of silence he finally exploded.

"Well this is a waste of my time. I refuse to invest myself in anything that's going nowhere. Its your loss." He walked out slamming the door behind him.

I thought about Mr. Thursday the rest of the week. I really wasn't certain if I'd made the right choice. My bump-in plan with Lee never worked and the fact that I had two men upset at me pulled me into a small bout of depression. I felt like an idiot waiting around for Lee to make me his girlfriend while Thursday was willing and ready to give me what I deserved. Scattered throughout my thoughts were his last words. I wont invest myself in anything that's going nowhere. He was right.  It was those words that gave me the courage to finally call Lee.

It felt like the phone rang forever but it was barely on the second ring when I almost hung up. I heard his voice answer as I lowered the phone.

"Hello? "

Here we go.

Boone's Farm Bruise

Society has done a great job brainwashing us all to believe good women partake in a defined set of rules. Mind your manners. Not too much cleavage! Cross your legs. Be a good girl. Don't sleep around. Find yourself a good man. Cook. Clean.  Unlike the acceptable behavior that is attached to our male counter parts with casual dating, women are considered to be promiscuous and dirty when they assume the exact same role.

I was willing to assume the risk of the negative stereotypes in order to avoid another heartbreak. Truth is I was willing to do almost anything in order to avoid that type of pain again.  After Carlton's shenanigans with Karin I was constantly questioning my own judgment and spent way too much time trying to determine how I became the 'cheat on type.' My goal was to make life with Lee different by dating multiple guys and preventing myself from looking too available or desperate. Regardless, I had no plans on really taking the others seriously and made it a point to always refer to them as "just a friend."  However, when I decided on dating multiple men, I had no idea that there would be four of them; it just fell in my lap that way.

Initially, I was having a good time being pursued by more than one guy but it quickly became very time-consuming and resulted in me spending less time with Lee who I was hoping would ask me to be his girl. Instead of dropping down my count, I became creative and prioritized each beau according to the day of the week. Since Lee was my true interest I made myself available to him every Friday and Saturday and the remaining guys consumed the other days during the week. That left only Sunday as my true day of rest. Occasionally, things got a little complicated when Lee started asking questions about my unavailability during the week, but I blamed it on my dire need to study.  It wasn't a complete lie, sometimes I actually would study before hanging out with one of the fellas.

After a few weeks on my dating extravaganza I was not only becoming an expert at my social life calendar, I was actually beginning to like my Thursday gent. However, just as I was getting a full grasp on my new life, someone blew over my castle.

Her name was Roshawn. No, no, no. I know exactly what you are thinking-she was not another girl who would steal my man. Roshawn was my dear friend; such a sweet and gentle soul who loved to have a good time. We shared the same majors and had much in common so we studied together several times a week. One Sunday night after studying we opened a bottle of Strawberry Boone's Farm to my demise. One drink led to another and before I knew it we were both giggling like schoolgirls on a Merry-go-round. After my bladder was full of the ghetto punch, I ran down the hall to the bathroom.

Then the phone rang.

"Roshawn get the phone." I heard her stumble towards the phone then answer it.

"Who is it...tell them I will call them right back"

I was hollering at her from the bathroom so instead of coming to the door she hollered back down the hall. When I heard what she was yelling I jumped off of the toilet so fast I nearly tripped over my own pants. It was apparent she had no idea who was on the phone by her drunken guessing game of loudly calling out each beaux name from my Monday through Thursday crew.

By the time I made it back to the living room, she had already listed everyone except Lee while still holding the phone in her hand. I gave her a death stare as I grabbed the phone, to which she realized her tragic mistake and whispered,

 "Oops....I’m so sorry."

 

In our Boone’s Farm induced state of mind, we both thought it was a whisper but soon found out it was almost as loud as her recount of my four men. I really wanted to just hang up the phone and act as if it never happened but another part of me was desperately hoping it wasn't Lee. I didn't want it to be Thursday either but in order to find out I had to answer the call. I paused then pulled the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?" I tried to sound cool even though my throat was dry and my stomach was churning.

"Wow, I'm sorry too.  Enjoy yourself," the phone hung up before I could respond but not without first realizing who held the other end.

It was Lee.