Raw

I don't know much time passed as I layed there trying to process what had just happened. How could he do this to me? The door is unlocked!!! I jumped up and locked all three locks then headed back to the same bathroom which once held me captive. I turned the knob on the shower as hot as it could go and slid inside. The water felt like needles piercing into my back but I didnt care, I just wanted the residue of his body off mine. Emotionally,  I was completely numb.  There was no anger, no sadness or not a single tear; I was lost and confused. How do I keep coming back to this place of darkness and despair?  What was life trying to tell me? Teach me? Was love a place that I didn't not belong? 

Thoughts trampled through my mind like consumers outside the Walmart entry door on Black Friday. I eased out of the shower into the fog and studied myself in the steamed mirror. Why was love torturing me? I expected to look different- I felt so different...so ugly and raw.   I grabbed my towel and wrapped it tightly around my body in effort to feel protected. In my bedroom I could see images of Jeran laying in my bed. Instead of laying on it, I  grabbed my pillow, crawled to the floor and curled myself in ball.  

I bet you're wondering if I called the police on Jeran.  I didn't. I didn't even tell my friends. I didn't want to explain my stupidity for dealing with him in the first place.  And although my heart told me he deserved every bit of a jail cell beating, I knew that my freedom wouldn't come from inside those walls. Considering the fact that I'd regularly had consensual sex with him, it didn't behoove me to go through the drawn out process of a criminal case. I didn't want to expose myself, I didn't want to fight and I definitely didn't want to see his face again. I surrendered to the fact that I could be whole again and moving forward was the best way to start that process. Forward! Keep pushing forward! But mostly I felt comfort in knowing karma was a crazier bitch than I was and she hated rapist.

Of course he attempted to come back several times. First he started by ringing my phone until I unplugged it. When that didnt work, he popped up to see if he could get me to answer the door. I started hiding my car so that he would never knew if I was home. It worked because after a few moments he would leave. Nearly a month after his failed attempts I saw him lurking in the shadows outside of my job and later saw his car parked outside my school while he roamed throughout the parking lot. He stalked me for about five months before he finally disappeared and I found a full night's sleep.

That summer, my best friend and I decided to take  summer courses at the University of Hawaii. It was a brilliant way to take a vacation while earning credits towards my law degree. Everything about Hawaii was nice: the weather, the food and the beaches. Although,we partied more than we studied, we still managed to squeeze in some time to go to class. We spent most of our evenings at Magoos; a corner bar known for its dollar pizza slices, Corona beers and Margaritas -a true law students dream. Being there always resulted in two things: 1. serious conversations  2. slow stumbling walks home.

One evening, we were doing our typical thing at Magoos and nearing close to our journey home. My eyelids were heavy from the watermelon flavored margaritas yet I ordered another one. That's when the conversation started to get heavy.

"You've manage to live a pretty safe life. I mean you've never even smoked a cigarette. I admire you for that."

 For some reason I took that statement as an insult. To me it meant I was immature, inexperience, or boring- anything but the fun type.

"Ive done things." I snapped back. "Focus on you."

"Like what?  Don't get defensive... being safe isn't a bad thing."

 Either I was truly boring or the Margarita was slowing down my response time because I couldn't think of one single exciting, risky, edgy thing that I've done. In all actuality, the closest I'd come to taking risks was imagining myself doing risky things; like having a one night heated encounter with a stranger.

"Have you ever had a one night stand?"

The liquor was revealing itself through my stupid questions. 

"Who hasn't? ...you haven't?!!"

I felt myself shrinking. I sat silently contemplating ordering another margarita. No wonder I was on the losing team of love, I was a dud-there was no excitement or mystery in dating me.

"Its okay...it really isn't worth it. You wake up feeling bad the next morning and laying next to a complete stranger. That's one thing you don't need to experience."

I sat up in the chair and took a long sip from my Margarita. What better time to have a one night stand than in Hawaii surrounded by gorgeous navy men. My mind was made up. "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna try something different...

I'm gonna have a one night stand...this weekend."