Dying to love

"HELLO!!!" 

He said again. His voice immediately made me so nervous I couldn't even gather the correct words to say and suddenly wished I had been better prepared for our conversation.

"Hi."

I tried to sound as if nothing ever happened while holding back the quiver in my voice

"What's up?"  He sounded cold and irritated.

I didn't get an opportunity to say much because before I knew it he unexpectedly unleashed a series of rude comments as if I was the town whore.

"Shouldnt you be calling one of your many men. I dont even know how you found time to call me with all that you have going on in that house.  Its obvious that you've been busy."

I almost fell out of my seat. He was acting like I was running a brothel.

I almost hung up on him for being such a jerk. Instead I exposed my soul. I told him how I felt from the very first moment I handed him a towel at the gym. I explained to him the situation with Carlton and admitted my fear of being hurt again. I fought back tears because I really wanted to be strong but the more I spoke my truth the more I realized how much it hurt. I needed to be loved, its absence had created a hole inside of me.  I started sobbing. He listened quietly without responding. When he finally spoke, his voice held tenderness. He asked me not to cry and explained his reasons for delaying our exclusivity. Although embarrassed, he admitted having had only one girlfriend prior to us meeting and not knowing the rules of dating. My heart grew fonder of him when he mentioned being raised by his father because his mother had left them.  The more we talked, the more I realized we were meant for each other. I agreed to drop my guards and he agreed to never hurt me.

That phone call led to our immediate exclusively and spending many days together. He was quite the gentleman and brought so much joy into my life. The way he looked at me, deep in the eyes, when we spoke made me feel special but always caused me to look away. I found myself constantly re-adjusting my clothes, checking my hair and making sure my sentences were grammatically correct. Although, his confidence lacked arrogance, it caused me to question mine. I wanted to be perfect for him.

Our relationship was going great for several months before it was tested.  First, it was my grandfather;  he died unexpectedly from a heart attack which sent me into a recluse. I disconnected from everyone including Lee. When I finally came back to shore, he was there waiting with open arms. Unfortunately soon after,  his father unexpectedly drowned sending him into a downward spiral.  It is no secret that death has a way of highlighting what's truly important in life. With so much loss we became each others everything. We each knew the right words to say, when to say them and when silence was the best thing to be had. We understood each other on a level that only tragedy could explain. Buried within these moments of pain, lost and denial I found what would link me to him forever; I found true love.

Later, we both found interested in the universities most popular Greek organizations and decided to pledge. Soon after our initiations we became one of the most popular couples on campus.  Becoming a member of a fraternity or sorority has a way of changing even a freckled- face, bi -focal wearing nerd to Kevin Costner from the Bodyguard over night.

It is at this point in the story where the side chick becomes relevant.  Side chick: /sīd CHik/ A girl who makes it her business to pursue and have sex with men who have girlfriends, boos,  love commitments, fiances or wives. Ladies, have you ever noticed how no one wants your man until you want him?  He could be the ugliest, laziest and most undesirable man alive yet there is always a side chick lying in wait; willing and ready to pick up the tab for any balances the main girl may leave. As soon as Lee became popular, the side chicks came out in full force. Yes, I said side chicks-as in more than one; and they were bold.

It didn't start out that way, at first it was a casual smile or quick wink. But when Lee didn't reciprocate any interest they upped their antics to late night phone calls, leaving notes on his windshield or even groping on him when I was looking the other way.  After a few incidents, my trust in him began to wane. I watched him change right before my eyes and felt the distance grow between us. It didn't help that he began to have female "friends" that I'd never heard of within the entire two years of our relationship.  There was excuse for every bit of drama that occurred and our conversation always ended with him telling me I was over reacting.  I tried to be understanding and patient but one day while leaving class I noticed one of the side chicks had keyed the words "Bitch" on the hood of my car. I hit roof.

"Are you cheating on me?"

My face was stern and ready for any response but my heart was really begging for him to say no.

"Why are you asking me this? What's the issue now?"

"Answer my question."

I looked him directly in the eyes to which he quickly looked away. My internal lie detector immediately came on. My heart already knew the answer but I was hoping it was wrong.

"No but you can believe whatever you want."

His response did two things: 1. Made me want to cut him 2. Made me second guess what my heart clearly understood. Regardless, it was obviously that night we needed some space so we decided to take it.  I honestly didn't know what to believe but after he left I felt a small sense of relief. The next day I called my girls and planned a night out. Having girlfriends during a crisis is comparable to finding a band-aid in the bottom of your purse when you have a burning blister from wearing the hottest pair of Jessica Simpson's heels: Aaaah relief. I needed a night where I could find some relief, clear my mind and put the drama aside. The party we went to was across the street from Lee's apartment but I had no intentions of seeing him. I was gonna enjoy my break. However, as the night drew near I began to miss him and called him. When he answered the phone my suspicions peaked, simply from the tone in his voice. Something is up.

"I'm gonna come over so I can see you."

"No, I'm tired, just swing by tomorrow."

I immediately hung up the phone and ran over to his apartment. This could be bad. For months I'd only had my suspicions with no evidence but if he had someone in his house I'd finally feel justified in my assumptions. If he was home alone, I knew our relationship was definitely over because he was gonna dump me. The stakes were high and either option meant I lost. I knocked lightly on his door. When he didn't answer I knocked a little harder. I heard him quietly approach the door and could feel his presence standing on the other side. He didn't say anything until I spoke up.

"If you don't open this door. I'm going to start screaming and wake up the entire neighborhood"

"I told you to come back tomorrow. We will talk tomorrow."-his voice was shaky.

 Someone's in there! The rage in me grew at such a fast pace before I knew it I had kicked in the door and was halfway down the hall leading to his living room. I heard his voice yelling behind me and his feet racing to catch me but I was moving like a cheetah. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. The entire house was dark but the living room was dimly lit by the t.v. My eyes zoomed into the darkness as I ran faster.  I turned the corner and was in complete utter shock.