Certainly not

Life has a funny way of proving you wrong about everything you were once so certain. I was certain Karin was confused when she called my boyfriend hers. Mostly because I had used every scintilla of his non- thuggish time playing his wifey... without the ring. The fact that I knew all of his friends and family increased my sense of security in our relationship. So when I found a picture of him and her I convinced myself that it was nothing more than a family photo. Yet, I immediately felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling intensified as soon as I looked into his eyes. They held the same look that most toddlers have when they soil their clean pampers right after being taken off of the potty. A look combined with the fear of the consequences for being honest competing with the desire to remove the uncomfortable wetness in their pants. Carlton looked more pathetic then a potty training toddler as he tried to explain away the evidence of his infidelity. However, like most women, I knew that he was feeding me lies. When GOD created man, HE knew that we would need an internal lie detector in order to stay on top of things. So long before our exit from the womb, HE gifted us with a sixth sense specially designed to detect when our man is lying- even before he utters a word. Unfortunately, we don't normally use this gift until it’s too late and our hearts are shattered into pieces.

I'm certain I'd still be dealing with Carlton's inevitable drama if it weren't for my going away to college.  But once I touched down on campus, my mind was blown by the plethora of masculine options. The college boys made Carlton look like a cartoon character from the old Nickelodeon Show "Ren and Stimpy." They were much better in every sense. However, Carlton didn't care; he refused to give up and demonstrated this by calling me every day. Each conversation started out different but would always end the same with me telling him it was over. There was only one person whose call I was waiting.

His name was Lee and initially all I could remember was that he was fine. I first noticed him after picking up a part time job at the university's athletic gym to make extra cash. Within a few days I had his schedule memorized and made certain I was at the towel counter to hand him a towel before he hit the basketball court. Like a stalker, I knew when his game was over so I would resume my position back at the counter and anxiously wait for his return. For months we never even spoke but our eyes always connected longer than usual. Each time, whether he was coming or going, he'd flash me a paralyzing smile which arrested my attention. He was physically fit, so his amazing body always captured my glaze.  I couldn't help but stare at his muscles underneath his wet shirt. A girl like me had never experienced someone like him. I found myself daydreaming about him even when I wasn't at work so I decided to show him my interest. It reminded me of my efforts with Quinton except I didn't use pizza shaped erasers. Instead I put on makeup, a squirt of Exclamation perfume and made sure his towels were fresh from the dryer.

Unfortunately he never caught my bait; we still only exchanged smiles.
That's when I decided to take it up a notch. I carefully wrote my number on a small sticky and taped it to the back of his student ID. When he came to return his towel, my hands shook as I handed him the ID. He smiled and shoved it into his pocket without even looking at it. Geezus! What now?! I stood there speechless as he strutted out of the building.

I swore to the entire world that I’d never step foot back in that building but I was quickly reminded by the grumble in my stomach that I was broke and desperately needed money. So I went to work but decided to avoid the counter during both hours of Lee's arrival and departure. Just my luck that day he came early. When I saw his silhouette moving my way my eyes vigorously searched the room for a place to hide. It was too late.

"Did you put your number on the back of my ID?" His voice was so smooth and confident it caused me freeze. I wanted to yell out "YES!!!," but instead I just stared at him.

It took a while before I managed to nod my head and squeaked out a "yes."  "Okay, I just wanted to know that it was actually you before I called." He flashed his same delicious smile and walked away. 

It seemed like forever before he called, meanwhile I was hanging up on Carlton like he was a bill collector.  When he finally did call we talked for hours and the conversation was everything I'd imagined. It was my first inclination that we were destined to be together. Before either of us realized it, we were tied at the hip. The only problem was that we hadn't made any formal commitments to each other. This provided an awkward position because it was too early to set a status but soon enough to know that I didn't want to see him with another girl. So one night, after having a wonderful time with Lee, I made an emotional decision and decided to start dating other guys... at least until he made us official. 

I needed to protect my own heart for once and for all.

Straight up... no chaser

So obviously, Quinton did nothing for my ego except deflate it like an old latex birthday balloon. Perhaps this is where my drive to be successful originated. I was always praised when I tried hard and did well in school, but rejected and eventually hurt when I tried hard with guys. It is no mystery why people gravitate towards where they receive the most gratitude.

Even though Quinton had broken my heart, I was young and the best thing about being a kid is the unfailing ability to forgive. I often wonder how we as adults would manage if we lived life with the heart of a six year old. Some of the bravest people on this earth are kids. I still remember jumping head first into a pool without knowing how to swim. The fact that I almost drowned mentally paralyzed me for a bit, but before the summer was over I  was right back out there wading in the shallow end. Today, I credit that for my reason behind learning how to swim. Why can't we all live and love like a six year old? Maybe its because no one has trampled over their dreams with insults, stereotypes and bad mojo or perhaps its their naivety of knowing when they are truly being screwed. Regardless, after Quinton,  I still had hope and eventually moved on to learning the misconceptions behind the childhood fairy tale of The Frog Prince. 

Ladies we've spent way too much time getting dirty at the swamp chasing and kissing frogs all because we innocently desire that perfect mate. The feminist in me screams "Why are we subconsciously being conditioned to think true love is hidden by a disguise and why must the FEMALE chase after love in order to receive it?" Frankly, Ive never been the chasing type of chic. My pride wouldn't let me and I always believed that the man should make the first move. But even if I didn't chase them, I've kissed my share of toads too because I interpreted the story to mean my prince would come with a lot of issues. I mean toads do have spots right? 

This fallacy brought about my second faux pas: Carlton. Nope, not the Carlton you had in mind..

My Carlton was a little more artistic.

Well, artistic in a straight up gang banging, pimp leaning, gait having, dirty diaper looking- sagging pants thug kind of way.  Lets be honest here for moment, there's definitely something appealing about a bad boy, a rough neck, a guy with no fear of repercussions or consequences. This guy brings a sense of protection and badassness to the average girl but even more so to those of us without daddies. I call it the Superman effect.  Certain girls just have a need to be saved.

I dated Carlton for almost a year before his toad spots dang near costed me my life. I was so drawn in by his 6'6 stature, gorgeous smile and confident demeanor that I barely noticed how bad he was for me. Oh don't misunderstand- I  surely recognized there was a risk to dating him; especially after the night when one of his gang rivalries pulled a gun on us, but I didn't care. I actually felt safe around him as silly as that sounds and I would have probably stayed with him forever if it hadn't been for Karin.

Karin was his ex...who really wasn't his ex. Looking back I find this story quite ironic for two reasons:

1. This was my second heartbreak over a girl who's name began with the letter K

2.  A man can put a girl in a life threatening situation and she will still stay by his side but even the slightest church house mouse whisper of another female and all hell breaks loose.

When I found out I was actually being played by my Tupac wannabe I was devastated...once again. 

Virgin love

No matter what type of girl you are, no matter how old you've gotten...you've always had a place in your heart for that fairy tale type of love. The one which sends tingles in your stomach at just its shear thought. Some girls dream about it at an early age and by high school they've already planned out their entire wedding and scheduled a timeline for the new babies. Then there's the girl that focuses on her career and doesn't really think about love until she hits 30 and realizes her successful career isn't taking care of the late night pulsating feeling in her vagina. Regardless of your type, we've all desired that true, pure love at some moment in our lives. If you haven't then you fit into the third category of females: Crazy. Something is seriously wrong with you and I'd suggest that you go talk to someone about your childhood demons. 


For the rest of us common folk, love has been both our greatest hope and biggest heartbreak. My first heartbreak happened when I was in fourth grade. His name was Quinton. Quinton was mixed with both white and black. Back then, that meant something special but let's stay focus on one topic at a time. Quinton was everything a fourth grader needed in a man. He was cute, funny and drank chocolate milk. I tried everything to get Quinton's attention without telling him I actually liked him. I gave him pencils, not just your average yellow #2 pencils but the hot commodity ones that glowed in the dark. I even used my scholastic book fair money to buy him erasers shaped like pizzas. Nothing worked but I didn't lose hope until one day at lunch when he passed me a note. My heart race with thoughts on how I would respond to his proposal, my stomach was tickled with butterflies and excitement. I could hardly wait to open the letter that was clenched so tightly in the palm of my hand. A smile spread across my face as I unfolded the origami piece of paper. As it came apart I saw there were two pages. On the first page was scribbled the words "Give to Krystal." I should have stopped right there and just passed her the note but hope made me pressed forward. On the second page he'd wrote: 

 Dear Krystal, I like you. Would you be my girlfriend? Circle yes or no.

  

I was heart broken and that was exactly how my love life began. I bet your wondering if I gave her the note. Yes, of course but for some strange reason I never liked her again.