Dying to love

"HELLO!!!" 

He said again. His voice immediately made me so nervous I couldn't even gather the correct words to say and suddenly wished I had been better prepared for our conversation.

"Hi."

I tried to sound as if nothing ever happened while holding back the quiver in my voice

"What's up?"  He sounded cold and irritated.

I didn't get an opportunity to say much because before I knew it he unexpectedly unleashed a series of rude comments as if I was the town whore.

"Shouldnt you be calling one of your many men. I dont even know how you found time to call me with all that you have going on in that house.  Its obvious that you've been busy."

I almost fell out of my seat. He was acting like I was running a brothel.

I almost hung up on him for being such a jerk. Instead I exposed my soul. I told him how I felt from the very first moment I handed him a towel at the gym. I explained to him the situation with Carlton and admitted my fear of being hurt again. I fought back tears because I really wanted to be strong but the more I spoke my truth the more I realized how much it hurt. I needed to be loved, its absence had created a hole inside of me.  I started sobbing. He listened quietly without responding. When he finally spoke, his voice held tenderness. He asked me not to cry and explained his reasons for delaying our exclusivity. Although embarrassed, he admitted having had only one girlfriend prior to us meeting and not knowing the rules of dating. My heart grew fonder of him when he mentioned being raised by his father because his mother had left them.  The more we talked, the more I realized we were meant for each other. I agreed to drop my guards and he agreed to never hurt me.

That phone call led to our immediate exclusively and spending many days together. He was quite the gentleman and brought so much joy into my life. The way he looked at me, deep in the eyes, when we spoke made me feel special but always caused me to look away. I found myself constantly re-adjusting my clothes, checking my hair and making sure my sentences were grammatically correct. Although, his confidence lacked arrogance, it caused me to question mine. I wanted to be perfect for him.

Our relationship was going great for several months before it was tested.  First, it was my grandfather;  he died unexpectedly from a heart attack which sent me into a recluse. I disconnected from everyone including Lee. When I finally came back to shore, he was there waiting with open arms. Unfortunately soon after,  his father unexpectedly drowned sending him into a downward spiral.  It is no secret that death has a way of highlighting what's truly important in life. With so much loss we became each others everything. We each knew the right words to say, when to say them and when silence was the best thing to be had. We understood each other on a level that only tragedy could explain. Buried within these moments of pain, lost and denial I found what would link me to him forever; I found true love.

Later, we both found interested in the universities most popular Greek organizations and decided to pledge. Soon after our initiations we became one of the most popular couples on campus.  Becoming a member of a fraternity or sorority has a way of changing even a freckled- face, bi -focal wearing nerd to Kevin Costner from the Bodyguard over night.

It is at this point in the story where the side chick becomes relevant.  Side chick: /sīd CHik/ A girl who makes it her business to pursue and have sex with men who have girlfriends, boos,  love commitments, fiances or wives. Ladies, have you ever noticed how no one wants your man until you want him?  He could be the ugliest, laziest and most undesirable man alive yet there is always a side chick lying in wait; willing and ready to pick up the tab for any balances the main girl may leave. As soon as Lee became popular, the side chicks came out in full force. Yes, I said side chicks-as in more than one; and they were bold.

It didn't start out that way, at first it was a casual smile or quick wink. But when Lee didn't reciprocate any interest they upped their antics to late night phone calls, leaving notes on his windshield or even groping on him when I was looking the other way.  After a few incidents, my trust in him began to wane. I watched him change right before my eyes and felt the distance grow between us. It didn't help that he began to have female "friends" that I'd never heard of within the entire two years of our relationship.  There was excuse for every bit of drama that occurred and our conversation always ended with him telling me I was over reacting.  I tried to be understanding and patient but one day while leaving class I noticed one of the side chicks had keyed the words "Bitch" on the hood of my car. I hit roof.

"Are you cheating on me?"

My face was stern and ready for any response but my heart was really begging for him to say no.

"Why are you asking me this? What's the issue now?"

"Answer my question."

I looked him directly in the eyes to which he quickly looked away. My internal lie detector immediately came on. My heart already knew the answer but I was hoping it was wrong.

"No but you can believe whatever you want."

His response did two things: 1. Made me want to cut him 2. Made me second guess what my heart clearly understood. Regardless, it was obviously that night we needed some space so we decided to take it.  I honestly didn't know what to believe but after he left I felt a small sense of relief. The next day I called my girls and planned a night out. Having girlfriends during a crisis is comparable to finding a band-aid in the bottom of your purse when you have a burning blister from wearing the hottest pair of Jessica Simpson's heels: Aaaah relief. I needed a night where I could find some relief, clear my mind and put the drama aside. The party we went to was across the street from Lee's apartment but I had no intentions of seeing him. I was gonna enjoy my break. However, as the night drew near I began to miss him and called him. When he answered the phone my suspicions peaked, simply from the tone in his voice. Something is up.

"I'm gonna come over so I can see you."

"No, I'm tired, just swing by tomorrow."

I immediately hung up the phone and ran over to his apartment. This could be bad. For months I'd only had my suspicions with no evidence but if he had someone in his house I'd finally feel justified in my assumptions. If he was home alone, I knew our relationship was definitely over because he was gonna dump me. The stakes were high and either option meant I lost. I knocked lightly on his door. When he didn't answer I knocked a little harder. I heard him quietly approach the door and could feel his presence standing on the other side. He didn't say anything until I spoke up.

"If you don't open this door. I'm going to start screaming and wake up the entire neighborhood"

"I told you to come back tomorrow. We will talk tomorrow."-his voice was shaky.

 Someone's in there! The rage in me grew at such a fast pace before I knew it I had kicked in the door and was halfway down the hall leading to his living room. I heard his voice yelling behind me and his feet racing to catch me but I was moving like a cheetah. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. The entire house was dark but the living room was dimly lit by the t.v. My eyes zoomed into the darkness as I ran faster.  I turned the corner and was in complete utter shock.

Foolish heart

I held the phone in my hand for a few moments before placing it back on the receiver. My soul felt empty and confused.  Part of me wanted to laugh at my bad luck but the other half of me wanted to cry. I'd simply only created a mess of my circumstances trying to beat love at its own game. Lee clearly wasn't going to make me his girlfriend despite the fact that I'd already given him a mortgage to my heart without any type of down payment. So what now? Should I call him? Perhaps its safer to just put my thoughts down in a letter? No that's too deep! Besides I'd been waiting for him for almost a year, this was his fault. He had plenty of time to make me his. The thoughts in my mind were competing like Serena and Venus in a tennis match until I eventually slipped off into a Boone's Farm induced slumber.

When my alarm went off the next morning I had almost forgotten the incident with Lee. I stumbled into the bathroom to get ready for class and was in mid morning-pee stream when it hit me! Damn! My troubles hadn't disappeared within the night. What am I gonna do?   I desperately needed to talk to him without actually making it obvious that I wanted to talk to him. I learned at a early age that it was a females job to make matters involving the heart much more complicated that necessary. So instead of grabbing the phone and calling him, I reached into my closet and pulled out my cutest casual outfit. It was time to plan an accidental 'bump-in' to him while on campus. Once he saw how fly I looked, he'd have no choice but to talk to me.

Unfortunately, I didn't see Lee on campus so I kept my 'bump-in' plan intact for the following day and headed home.  Meanwhile, my Thursday beau called and asked to come over.  When I opened the door I was greeted by his tall dark stature holding a long stemmed rose. A smile ran over my face immediately. Outside of my prom corsage and the colorful carnations handed out as Valentine's grams in high school,  I'd never been given flowers from any guy.  His smile arrested my attention as I stared at his large lips which held in pearly white teeth; I deeply desired to kiss him just to verify my suspicious of their softness. While handing me the rose, he grabbed me into his arms and pulled me close. My head hit the hardness of his chest sending me into thoughts of his naked body pressed against mine.

"I wanna ask you something."

 His face turned serious which pulled me back into reality.

  "I want you to be my girlfriend. I think you are special and love the way I feel when I'm around you. I know that I want you and I can tell that you want me too...sooo lets make it official."

He leaned in to kiss me but I quickly pulled away.

Awww hell! Wait. One. Minute...how ironic was this? Was I being set up? Did he know Lee? I started to get nervous until I looked into his eyes and realized he was serious.  I really liked Mr Thursday; he was sexy, he was fun and he even had a way of sending a tingling sensation up my legs without saying a word but- he wasn't Lee and I couldn't pretend he was.  Think quick.  I began to fidget within the silence.  But my guardian angel was watching my plight and helped me along the way. Out of nowhere, I instantly recalled when his brother gave us specific instructions to NOT toy with the idea of dating after introducing us to each other.  I didn't want to hurt Mr. Thursday so I blamed it on his brother and reminded him of what was previously said to both of us. I explained to him that I could never risk losing my friendship and wouldn't be his girlfriend. First he was understanding and insisted on talking to his brother so that everything would be okay. When I refused his efforts he got sad which quickly changed to anger then to arrogance. I watched him go through a range of emotions like a chameleon crossing a rainbow. After a few moments of silence he finally exploded.

"Well this is a waste of my time. I refuse to invest myself in anything that's going nowhere. Its your loss." He walked out slamming the door behind him.

I thought about Mr. Thursday the rest of the week. I really wasn't certain if I'd made the right choice. My bump-in plan with Lee never worked and the fact that I had two men upset at me pulled me into a small bout of depression. I felt like an idiot waiting around for Lee to make me his girlfriend while Thursday was willing and ready to give me what I deserved. Scattered throughout my thoughts were his last words. I wont invest myself in anything that's going nowhere. He was right.  It was those words that gave me the courage to finally call Lee.

It felt like the phone rang forever but it was barely on the second ring when I almost hung up. I heard his voice answer as I lowered the phone.

"Hello? "

Here we go.