Detox

I played Toni Braxton's Just Be A Man About It for hours. The pain I felt was almost unbearable.  He was the hardest lesson I'd learn in life thus far. I cried so hard that my eyes were almost swollen shut. I had been betrayed, broken and belittled. I couldn't even lay in my bed because the mere thought of him laying in bed with another women made me nauseous. Not only were my eyes swollen, my hand, wrists and forearms were too.  I laid on one end of the couch staring at the dried up blood covering my hands while Roshawn laid on the opposite end responding to my every need. I hated him to the core yet loved him with every fiber of me. The sound of the t.v. competed against Toni's raspy voice but nothing drowned out my thoughts from the night before. It all happened so fast; the punch, the paddle and the poor neighbor. I never meant to be that girl but somehow he managed to awaken that part of me. We had been through so much that he became part of my survival. How did we lose the good times that we once held so intimately? The darkest part of me wished bad karma  but it was only because there was still a huge part of me that wanted him back. I wanted to hate him, I wanted the love to vanish like a vapor but it didn't; I still wanted him.  I just needed him to say the right words so that I could provide my mind the right explanation to justify the thoughts in my heart. Part of me needed him to find fault on my part so that I could share the blame. Ironically that meant I still had control and could fix us. It was obvious that I needed and loved him to a detriment.  I told myself that I could never see him again. He was my drug and it was time to detox.

I laid with my soul fully exposed for nearly a week. My closest friends rotates in shifts offering their words of encouragement  and comfort. Slowly I began to realize that there was life outside of Lee. That was until he called.

I knew it was a bad idea to take his call, -there was nothing left to be said- but I was hoping for anything that would give me a small piece of peace. I didn't know what I was looking for but I agreed to let him pick me up.   I felt and looked like a mess yet I refused to let him see me disturbed by his foolishness. So I jumped in the shower and walked out looking like a supermodel by the time he arrived. I wanted him to deeply regret his decision.

He must have been thinking the same thing because when he arrived he looked absolutely drop dead gorgeous minus the battle wounds going down the side of his face. Damn.  We rode to his house in complete silence beside his small compliment.

"You look nice."

A single tear escaped my eye and ran down the right side of my face. I didn't respond, I was afraid if I parted my lips a waterfall would commence.  Besides, if he found me so attractive then why did he cheat on me?

When we got to his apartment, it look nothing like I'd left it. It was quite bare-I imagine he'd thrown away all of the things I damaged. I sat on the edge of his bed and listened as he spoke. None of his words provided an explanation of why the Blasian beauty was sprawled across his couch.

 He just kept repeating how much he loved me and was willing to do whatever it took to work things out. I can't lie, I was moved by him telling me he wanted me back. I wanted things to work out too but just didn't want to be his fool. Thoughts tussled back and forth in my mind as he was talking- then almost like a divine intervention-something happened. He stopped mid-sentence and his eyes grew wide as he peered over my shoulder. I watched him try to conceal his nervousness and regain his composure.

What is it?
He was making me nervous. Initially I thought he saw a big hairy spider ready to pounce on my head.

"Nothing. I just realized I forgot to take out the trash."

"Huh?"

That sounds absolutely ridiculous. My internal lie detector flicked on. He rushed over towards me and grabbed his fraternity decorative trash can from the side of his bed then made a slow jog towards the kitchen. Suspecting something was up, I followed him.

"I'll be right back, you can have a seat...I just wanna dump this before I forget," he was in such a rush that he didn't realize I was one step behind him. 

I knew he was hiding something, I just didn't know what. So when he turned his back prohibiting me from seeing what was inside of the trash I simply went around the kitchen and came towards him feverishly shaking the can. When he looked up, I was looking down at everything he'd just dumped into the trash; a single piece of Kleenex and a condom full of fresh semen. 

Bastard.